life so far
I never like being asked “How are you?”. The overall sentiment is that I’m okay. It’s a good generic term that I can use to mark me in the middle. Things can, and are worse. Things can also be better.
These days it seems like I’m fighting myself and I’m on the losing end of it.
I’ve been stewing on writing how I’ve been doing so far, waiting for the right to time to make the perfect post. I don’t have that yet so here’s a graphic and a suuuuuuper late update I wrote in October 2022.
On world mental health day
(written on Oct 25, 2022)
It’s October 11. It’s only hitting now that summer is over. The last few months flew by as a vivid memory and many blurs.
I write this for myself as a momentary pause, with hopes of capturing this point of my life. I also write this to all my friends, peers, and comrades who tried talking to me these last few months and I just disappeared.
I’ve been coming to terms with a lot of personal conflicts.
Managing my physical health
I’ve struggled with various stomach issues these last few years. I ventured to my family doctor to a naturopath to an endocrinologist to a dietician.
I sought out a dietician who had familiarity in serving people with ADHD. I described the symptoms I faced throughout the years: Sour tasting mouth. Heartburn. Bloating. Lack of appetite. Stress eating. Eating a lot of food in a short amount of time.
When I listed off my shopping list of issues, my dietician brought to my attention that I had disordered eating patterns, specifically with binge eating.
It was hard to reconcile with. I grew up learning about eating disorders in social studies classes in elementary school. I was exposed to eating disorders in its most extreme forms. I never thought about my eating patterns. I had to think about where my patterns of disordered eating came from.
Managing my mental health
Every once in a while, I dive into uncontrollable tears, devastation, and panic – especially in relation to my parents. I realized that I don’t remember much of my childhood and teenage years, neither memories good or bad. I don’t know if it’s a by-product of approaching 30 or if it’s a coping mechanism. Everything is blurry, faint, or nonexistent.
I started therapy again to address my internal contradictions regarding my family. Something I found helpful while thinking through my feelings was reading Jennette McCurdy’s book, “I’m Glad My Mom Died”. I wanted to speed through it but I had to take my time with it. I did not expect her experiences to resonate with me. To what extent? That is to be determined but I appreciate the nudge towards memory lane.
Moving forward
This leads me to my present, where I’ve been learning how to take care of myself to continue caring for others. It’s been an arduous journey full of tears and revelations. I hope to explore different forms of art to further work through my internal contradictions.
I’m very happy to talk about my mental health. I see it as part of our collective conscious building.